I was 5. I had no idea why I was pulling out my lashes and brows, all I knew was that it calmed me. I hated looking in the mirror, and the shame that would surround my appearance. I hated waking up knowing people would stare, and was even more anxious knowing some would probably even ask. So I avoided. I avoided social gatherings, swimming activities for fear of my makeup coming off, even washing my face after high school sports events to avoid my friends taking notice. It was pretty lonely, and I spent more energy avoiding confrontations than just being who I was.
Trichotillomania. 1 in 45 women suffer from this hair-pulling, impulse control disorder. I honestly feel almost guilty writing about my personal struggles, because of how small it seems in comparison to many other compelling stories of loss and struggle, but I truly believe that by being vulnerable, it connects us, and helps us grow.
I am a makeup artist. It’s probably easy to see why this hobby turned business appealed to me. Makeup helped me conceal my greatest insecurities and made me feel not only normal, but beautiful. It was powerful, because it allowed me to temporarily escape the shame that followed me and my bare face. But it was just that: temporary. Because makeup isn’t internal, and if I continued to only feel beautiful with makeup on, well, that’s clearly still a problem. And on top of that, what would that message be I sending to others, and especially my daughter?
To this day, it still makes my stomach churn a bit when i don’t have false lashes on, or if someone asks why my brows are drawn on, but the truth is, I’ve become a firm believer that beauty is far from external, and it has required digging deep and opening up a lot of wounds from my childhood and adolescence.
My face is not my identity, and my appearance absolutely does not define me. I am the daughter of a king, I am so deeply loved, I am worthy of that love, I am capable of spreading that love I’ve so freely been given, and I AM BEAUTIFUL! Say it with me now😉 It’s empowering, yes?
God is so good. He’s never allowed me to give up on myself, or to stay in that pit of negative, harmful thinking, or continue living with that shame that was unrightfully mine. He’s given me the gift of knowing He created me just the way He wanted me and with a purpose. I am His, and THAT is my identity. And He is mine.
So here I am: freelance makeup artist inspired & empowered to spread a little bit of the confidence and love I’ve been so graciously given. If you would’ve told me even 5 years ago that I’d be going live publicly to do my makeup AND with a BARE FACE, I would’ve died. If you would’ve told me I’d be offered a gig to work with Dateline NBC multiple times, I wouldn’t have believed you. And if you’d have told me that women would leave my makeup chair telling me they’ve never felt more beautiful & loved, I would’ve cried, because it’s all my dream.
I’m humbled to say, I’m currently living my dream. God has made me a mama to 2 amazing kiddos and I’m able to stay at home with them, while running my makeup business on the side. It’s truly my passion to do both, and God continues to blow me away with the opportunities and women he brings my way. I’m just so grateful for the love and support I’ve been shown.
I hope my story is not only proof that it is possible to overcome your deepest insecurities, but encouraged you to more fully embrace the beautiful person God had made you to be, flaws and all. God can & will use anything, but you have to give it to him and let the lies go. I promise, He will blow your mind if you give it to him, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to believe you are everything you were meant to be, just the way God made you. ♥️